Life is hell

Started to ruminate on what’s been going on in my mind last month. Seems I had a relapse for some reason. Turned to seeking “the meaning of life”. Actually being bullied from all sides, I got tired and started to find reasons for it. Wondering how to explain things. While it might be meaningless. But I just can’t accept that life is rather miserable, unfair and meaningless, trying to find reasons where they don’t even exist. Turned to the studying of “life after death”, knowing there’s no any meaning, joy or happiness in present life and hardly ever will be. There’re thousands of fatal illnesses, wars and sufferings. People beat and kill each other, then they all DIE. I just wish everything had a meaning. That all people were irresponsible tools of fate. It would justify everyone. That’s the sad truth why people turn to religion or mystical things. They can’t face life. I suspect without religions there would be much more suicides than now. There’s a void that nothing can fill. Emptiness and hopelessness. And I want to admit that my life is hopeless and dark and there’s no place for big happiness in it. Even small joys are poisoned. Life is just awful, and there will be nothing after death, just as there’s no good escape from misfortunes in this life. And I’m only learning how to cope with it all.