In short: I’m not. Sometimes I’m having depressive and manic episodes. I also have bad memory and low social skills, some awkwardness. I experience troubles in planning and arranging things, fulfilling some tasks, studying new things. I easily get tired. It mostly characterizes an organic brain disorder. Though officially I’m sick with chronic delusional disorder, but I don’t consider it a diagnosis in my case. I go to shrinks every month, as I’m on disability for life. I’m watched.
What is worse, last 4 years I indeed got into “struggling for mental health ideas with my own body” and in the end I don’t feel much human in it. I know I’m simply manic. But I lost some sense of myself – I saw myself as a tool. What’s more, humans behave so that I see no alternative. I mean, some people indeed may see me as a tool of someone else – there’s some misunderstanding here. But in reality I made myself a tool of mental health with my own thoughts. I set social justice above my own life. But it happened by itself – I didn’t choose my data.
It’s something unlucky. At first, when I started gettin into my ideas, “friends” left me because they were ashamed of me being “so psychotic”. It made me disillusioned – so they left me so easily, just because I didn’t fit into their middlebrow’s morality. Later, when more facts appeared, people started thinking me a shill. So I lost most supporters. I always tried to create a place of honesty here (maybe I lacked it in earlier lives). I enjoyed our convos in twitter. Idk what happened. I stayed the same honest person. Others changed.
The trouble is when you start to recover, people stop seeing you as a sick person. On one hand, it is “good” – you belong to a world of normies again. On the other hand, what to do, if you are actually not recovered, but only struggling and making efforts to appear sane? Some people think me not who I really am… as they judge all my actions as actions of a normal person, while I’ve been psychotic for many years and also having an organic brain disorder. My actions were mostly done in a manic-depressive or “psychotic” state.
So I’ve just found new ways to cope with illness. I’m through with delusional disorder, as I made sense of that illness, as you see from my investigation. But I’ve got some organic brain disorder (due to tests) and have to deal with it too. I’m being weird at times. My blog gives an impression of sanity, but it was NOT meant to be so! It was meant to show a path to recovery and visions of a mental illness! But people just see it as something healthy. While it is still a blog about a mental illness! – I just write about my feelings and emotions less, as I’m busy with other things. Maybe in future I’ll rearrange it somehow to blog more about mental health, as I’m bored with the paranormal topics! .-)
Elena Grebennikova 